Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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