If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
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I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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