Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
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