do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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