If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
