man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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