he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
