I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
