got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
