I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
