I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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