Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
