I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize