Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
