My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
