college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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