I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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