im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
