Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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