i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
God I need to hump something, right now.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize