The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just gargled with NyQuil
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
