just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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