I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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