I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize