just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
