We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
