im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
