pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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