Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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