he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
