You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
