If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
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