I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
