do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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