we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
