My balls are so social today.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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