My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
