Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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