At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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