My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
