I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize