The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
