he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
