he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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