I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
