I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
