I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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