You work out of a Hotel?
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
