Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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