im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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