the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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