I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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