What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
