Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
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