i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
