Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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